I read an article this morning that was trying to capture what it means to be a modern, free-thinking, independent woman in the 21st century. It raised a flurry of opinions and left me thinking about independence and what it means for all of us – men and women. The word “independent” carries with it both beautiful and dangerous connotations.
As I write this, I’m sitting next to my friend’s two-year old daughter. She just completed a puzzle all by herself and is now coloring a picture while sipping on water and eating banana bread. She keeps biting the banana bread into different shapes and then holding it up to me exclaiming, “hey! it’s a house!” or “hey! it’s a dog!” This is independence in one of its most beautiful forms. She is creatively playing on her own, making decisions about what she wants to do next, and coming up with original ideas.
Ian is asleep now, but before I put him down for a nap I was playing with him in the living room while BJ and I talked over the article I had read. Ian brought a book over to me and I read it to him 2 or 3 times. Once he decided he was done with the book, he squirmed out of my arms and moved on to something else. It brings me great joy to see his independent mind at work as he asserts his likes and dislikes and makes small choices about what he wants to do next. He is separate from me and everyday he is learning how to do increasingly more on his own. It’s beautiful!
When I start to question the word “independence” is when it begins to threaten relationships. God gave us the ability to think, be creative and make choices. I believe that when we exercise this ability, we bring Him glory (or at least we have the opportunity to). I believe that if our Father would care enough to give each person an individual finger print, He must have made us each with unique gifts and thoughts that the rest of us need. We were not made to just be one of the masses. I also believe that He made us for relationships, and that the way we view our independence, or separateness, in those relationships will affect the way we view the Church and Jesus.
If “independence” is a word praised by Western culture, “submission” is a word that makes many shudder. Maybe we believe that to submit to another person means that we give up the aspects of our personality that make us unique. Instead, we could view relationships as unions in which we share our unique gifts and ideas, while also submitting to the needs and thoughts of other people. A lot of fuss gets made about women submitting to their husbands. When I married BJ, I certainly gave up some of my “independence”, but so did he. He doesn’t run around town without any regard for me. We make decisions together and we both try to put the other one first, although I admit that I fail daily. The point is that we both make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. If I thought I had any right to continue living like an “independent adult”, becoming a mother certainly changed that. While Ian is constantly learning to do things on his own, he needs BJ and me to clean him, feed him, change him, protect him and teach him. And how beautiful this type of submission is. It isn’t always what I feel like doing, but I’m honored to be the one who gets to do it…and I am constantly being changed by it.
If we can’t accept submission, laying down our lives for the sake of someone else, then how are we going to accept what Christ did for us? And how are we going to have any form of a relationship with Him? If anyone had a right to hold fast to his independence, it was Jesus. Instead, He stepped down from the throne and loved us, giving everything for us. He is our example for what it means to lay down our lives in relationships.
Philippians 2:1-11 - “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
