"How He Loves Us"

I remember when BJ and I first got married, I began to understand a little bit more about what it meant for us, as the Church, to be the Bride of Christ. Now that I am a mother, I am seeing the picture of God’s love for us a little bit clearer. That certainly doesn’t mean you have to be married or be a parent to see these things – that’s just a way that God has revealed His heart to me.

Two weeks after Ian was born, BJ and I led worship for a retreat downtown (what that really means is, BJ led worship for a retreat….I sang with him for one set and then broke down because I was still full of raging postpartum hormones and wasn’t ready to be away from my new baby). Anyhow, I sang a few songs at a retreat…and the first song was “How He Loves”. It was the first time I had sung anything since before Ian was born. Hearing those verses about how deep and passionate our Father’s love for us is, with the new perspective of being a mom for just 2 weeks, nearly took my breath away. I had a hard time finishing the song.

It’s been 9 months now. This morning BJ was singing “How He Loves” while Ian and I were standing in the back of the room. I was holding him, swaying and singing…and then our very wiggly and active son was still. He put his head on my shoulder (which NEVER happens) and rested. After a few minutes he was sleeping. I looked down at him and heard BJ’s voice singing “He loves us, oh how He loves us!”. I stopped singing and just marveled at this picture I was getting a glimpse of.

The fierce love I have for this sweet, sleeping baby is only a small measure of the love my Father has for me. The tenderness that I feel towards Ian is just a reflection of the tenderness God feels towards me, and all of us. I am His baby. It also struck me how intensely painful it must be for Him when we choose things that move us away from Him.

I’ve heard it said many times that if only we could really understand and know how much the Father loves us, it would change everything about the way we live (our pastor, David Dwight, gave a great sermon on this from a couple weeks ago - http://hopecentral.com/one-love/). I thought about this in those moments this morning. If I really understood and believed that God sees me the way the way that I see Ian, it would change the way I see other people, the way that I see myself, the things I give priority to and the way I view God. It would quite literally change everything.

In The Art of Being, Sara Groves wrote about bringing her first born home from the hospital. She thought about how incredible her love was for that baby, and he hadn’t done anything yet. She loved him because he existed, not because he did anything to earn it. She goes on to compare this love to the love God has for us…”He says that when we were on our worst possible behavior, He loved us. He does not say He loves us because we are successful, because we are good people, or because we are okay dressers. It is not our doing He loves; it is our being.”

In that moment this morning, I saw a brief glimpse of God’s deep love for me and for all of us. We didn’t do anything to earn this fierce affection. He loves us because we are his babies, just as much as Ian is my baby. My prayer will be that I can live in this perspective, because if I can, it really will change everything.

Lessons from Ian

It's been nearly 8 months since Ian was born, and my mind is blown with how fast it is going by. How can he already be closer to a year than a newborn?

When I think about how much he has grown, I realize the biggest lesson Ian has taught me in the past 8 months is about being present.

His entire world exists in the moment. He isn't upset about this morning when he got mad and cried waiting for me to finish what I was doing...and he isn't worried about whether he is going to have time tomorrow to play with his blocks. At the present moment, all he is concerned with is sleeping. And when he wakes up, he'll be focused on eating and getting back to playing. Ian lives in the moment.

When I look at Ian I see the "tiny" 9lb 4oz baby they handed me in the hospital. I can't believe that he is well over 20 lbs and standing up. Watching Ian teaches me to be in the moment because he isn't slowing down, and I don't want to miss the baby that he is today.

Confessions of an over-thinker

Wow, it’s been nearly a year since I last took the time to write a complete post. The last time I posted something here I was about to enter my third trimester. I remember thinking that once that semester ended, I would spend hours writing each week before Ian came. That didn’t happen. Then I imagined that I would have all of this poetic, restful time once he was here where he would lay in the basinet while I wrote and sipped coffee. Ha! That didn’t happen either. There were dozens of times when I thought of something I really want to write about, but then didn’t actually sit down to put my thoughts on paper. I even started several posts and never finished them.

So here I am….Ian is 7 months old and I’m back in school. Life has certainly only gotten busier. In thinking about why I haven’t written anything (or at least finished writing something) in nearly 12 months, I can only come up with 1 reason…I have a tendency to be too serious.

First of all, let me say that I love and appreciate this part of my personality. It’s what makes me a good listener (I hope) and I hope it will help me become a good therapist one day. The downside is that I think about things way too much. I think about a blog for too long and then don’t actually finish it…and I miss opportunities to record everyday experiences.

I realize that even this post is a little ironic, as it is just another example of how I think about things too much. Hopefully it can serve as the first step in writing about things both serious and simple...and celebrating beautiful (and not so beautiful) everyday moments.