"How He Loves Us"

I remember when BJ and I first got married, I began to understand a little bit more about what it meant for us, as the Church, to be the Bride of Christ. Now that I am a mother, I am seeing the picture of God’s love for us a little bit clearer. That certainly doesn’t mean you have to be married or be a parent to see these things – that’s just a way that God has revealed His heart to me.

Two weeks after Ian was born, BJ and I led worship for a retreat downtown (what that really means is, BJ led worship for a retreat….I sang with him for one set and then broke down because I was still full of raging postpartum hormones and wasn’t ready to be away from my new baby). Anyhow, I sang a few songs at a retreat…and the first song was “How He Loves”. It was the first time I had sung anything since before Ian was born. Hearing those verses about how deep and passionate our Father’s love for us is, with the new perspective of being a mom for just 2 weeks, nearly took my breath away. I had a hard time finishing the song.

It’s been 9 months now. This morning BJ was singing “How He Loves” while Ian and I were standing in the back of the room. I was holding him, swaying and singing…and then our very wiggly and active son was still. He put his head on my shoulder (which NEVER happens) and rested. After a few minutes he was sleeping. I looked down at him and heard BJ’s voice singing “He loves us, oh how He loves us!”. I stopped singing and just marveled at this picture I was getting a glimpse of.

The fierce love I have for this sweet, sleeping baby is only a small measure of the love my Father has for me. The tenderness that I feel towards Ian is just a reflection of the tenderness God feels towards me, and all of us. I am His baby. It also struck me how intensely painful it must be for Him when we choose things that move us away from Him.

I’ve heard it said many times that if only we could really understand and know how much the Father loves us, it would change everything about the way we live (our pastor, David Dwight, gave a great sermon on this from a couple weeks ago - http://hopecentral.com/one-love/). I thought about this in those moments this morning. If I really understood and believed that God sees me the way the way that I see Ian, it would change the way I see other people, the way that I see myself, the things I give priority to and the way I view God. It would quite literally change everything.

In The Art of Being, Sara Groves wrote about bringing her first born home from the hospital. She thought about how incredible her love was for that baby, and he hadn’t done anything yet. She loved him because he existed, not because he did anything to earn it. She goes on to compare this love to the love God has for us…”He says that when we were on our worst possible behavior, He loved us. He does not say He loves us because we are successful, because we are good people, or because we are okay dressers. It is not our doing He loves; it is our being.”

In that moment this morning, I saw a brief glimpse of God’s deep love for me and for all of us. We didn’t do anything to earn this fierce affection. He loves us because we are his babies, just as much as Ian is my baby. My prayer will be that I can live in this perspective, because if I can, it really will change everything.

Lessons from Ian

It's been nearly 8 months since Ian was born, and my mind is blown with how fast it is going by. How can he already be closer to a year than a newborn?

When I think about how much he has grown, I realize the biggest lesson Ian has taught me in the past 8 months is about being present.

His entire world exists in the moment. He isn't upset about this morning when he got mad and cried waiting for me to finish what I was doing...and he isn't worried about whether he is going to have time tomorrow to play with his blocks. At the present moment, all he is concerned with is sleeping. And when he wakes up, he'll be focused on eating and getting back to playing. Ian lives in the moment.

When I look at Ian I see the "tiny" 9lb 4oz baby they handed me in the hospital. I can't believe that he is well over 20 lbs and standing up. Watching Ian teaches me to be in the moment because he isn't slowing down, and I don't want to miss the baby that he is today.

Confessions of an over-thinker

Wow, it’s been nearly a year since I last took the time to write a complete post. The last time I posted something here I was about to enter my third trimester. I remember thinking that once that semester ended, I would spend hours writing each week before Ian came. That didn’t happen. Then I imagined that I would have all of this poetic, restful time once he was here where he would lay in the basinet while I wrote and sipped coffee. Ha! That didn’t happen either. There were dozens of times when I thought of something I really want to write about, but then didn’t actually sit down to put my thoughts on paper. I even started several posts and never finished them.

So here I am….Ian is 7 months old and I’m back in school. Life has certainly only gotten busier. In thinking about why I haven’t written anything (or at least finished writing something) in nearly 12 months, I can only come up with 1 reason…I have a tendency to be too serious.

First of all, let me say that I love and appreciate this part of my personality. It’s what makes me a good listener (I hope) and I hope it will help me become a good therapist one day. The downside is that I think about things way too much. I think about a blog for too long and then don’t actually finish it…and I miss opportunities to record everyday experiences.

I realize that even this post is a little ironic, as it is just another example of how I think about things too much. Hopefully it can serve as the first step in writing about things both serious and simple...and celebrating beautiful (and not so beautiful) everyday moments.

Let's Hear it for a Sabbath!

It’s been a hard week and an especially difficult day. I could write out a list of things that BJ and I “should” do tomorrow (especially in light of this week), but instead we will be taking a Sabbath…a day of rest.

It seems as though “rest” has become dirty four-letter word in our Western society. How many times have you said or heard some variation of, “rest…what’s that?” Instead of valuing rest as something we need before we set out to do our work, we often view it as the collapse we experience after running our lives to the point of exhaustion. Instead of honoring our need for rest and supporting the need for rest in each other, we feel shame and guilt associated with this sacred act.

And while I will be the first to raise my hand and admit that I am often the poster-child for collapsing rather than resting, I have to confess that I don’t think this is what we were designed for…

First of all, Jesus rested. Yes, he also worked very hard…but He would regularly retreat from the crowds to be alone with His Father. When God was telling Moses things like, “Don’t murder, don’t steal, don’t commit adultery…”, He also told him to honor the Sabbath. Rest is close the heart of God. In fact, it is often in our rest that we discover the heart of God. (for other scripture related to this, look at Proverbs 23:4 and Matthew 6:25-34)

Secondly, it’s unnatural not to rest. Running ourselves to the point of collapse when we finally “have to rest” seems unnatural. We live in an incredibly beautiful world and I cannot believe that we were designed to live such high-stress, fast-paced lives that we would miss it. The natural world calls us to rest. Our bodies naturally function better after rest. We are healthier, can think clearer and perform better after we have rested well. It would appear that our bodies were not made for the constant level of pressure we often put them through. Instead, our bodies need rest in the same way they need water and oxygen.

So tomorrow is our day of rest. Rest for our bodies, rest for our spirits, rest for our minds, even rest for our marriage. I can’t wait!

Lessons from Margie

As some of you may know, BJ and I have elected to use a midwife to deliver our baby, rather than a traditional OB. We are working with a great group of three women at MCV and meet with a different one at each prenatal appointment. Yesterday we met Margie Rickell for the first time. Imagine a sweet, white haired, British Mother Goose delivering babies…that’s her.

Upon meeting us and hearing that we are both college students, she turned to me, smiled and said, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I laughed a little and said something about counseling. She then calmly turned to BJ and said, “and what do you want to be when you grow up?” He talked about working ministry in something music related and then she moved on to tell us a story. I walked away from that appointment with two thoughts burning on my mind...

1….As I sat on the table and listened to her talk and answered her questions, I was acutely aware of just how young and inexperienced I actually am. Just the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”…some people may think I should have been offended by such a question, but I was humbled. She wasn’t discrediting anything about my life, maturity or experiences. On the contrary, she was incredibly encouraging and she has the life experience to ask me such a question.

I need moments like this…moments when the humble spirit of another person acts as a mirror to my own immaturity, self-centeredness, ego, and foolishness. People like Pastor Fred Spivey, Peyton & Clover Harris, and Sara Groves are those (like Margie) whose humble and joyful presence has been both encouraging and convicting all in one moment.

2…I brought a laundry list of questions for Margie and most of them started with, “well I was reading this and I’ve heard about such and such, so I just wasn’t sure if that was something I needed to worry about…” Smiling, she lifting my hands in hers and paused (while slightly shaking her head). “You need to get out of your head” she told me.

Welcome to my world Margie! I plan, organize, analyze and get things done (aka – I like to be in control). Before I even know what I’m doing I pull apart of every piece of information and draw conclusions. I’m a psychology major who wants to go into counseling. That’s what I do! And at times, that’s a wonderful thing. I love that I see the world in this way, but sometimes I can’t turn it off. I’m beginning to see the beautiful opportunity I have in pregnancy to get out of my head and stop thinking so much…to practice being instead of always doing.

So I’m choosing to slow down, enjoy this time more fully, and rest in messiness of my life…because I have a suspicion that January will be here before I can blink and then everything I think I know will change.

The Divine Pursuit (guest post from Nicole Unice)

Hello blogging friends! I'm excited to introduce you to Nicole Unice today. She is an inspirational woman from right here in Richmond. After reading her post, check out her website and take a look at her new Bible Study "The Divine Pursuit". You won't want to miss it! I'm going to turn it over to Nicole now...

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Becoming a counselor is a weird sort of schooling. What other graduate program teaches you how to listen, ask good questions, and read interpersonal dynamics? Who but future counselors study nonverbal cues, birth order, and “solution-focused questions?” Counseling techniques easily transform into entertaining party tricks: “Let me guess,” I imagine saying to my unsuspecting acquaintance while swirling my drink, “your deepest fear is turning into your mother, whom you find yourself resembling more each day?”

There’s another side to studying therapist techniques. Developing questions that pry back even the hardest shell takes practice. And there’s only one person that accompanies me to sleep, to the bathroom, to work—other than my toddler. It’s me. I am the unwilling recipient of my own therapy.

So I paid attention when I got all emotional about the story of Jonah. Do you know him? The bible Jonah, the telling-God-N-O Jonah, the swallowed-by-a-fish Jonah? Think way back to Vacation Bible School. You probably sang a song about him or maybe smoothed him up on a feltboard next to a smiling whale.

Jonah disobeys and isn’t loving, or at least, that’s the point when we tell the VBS version. But when I prepared a teaching series for a women’s group on the book of Jonah, I found myself stirred up, almost resentful, of what Jonah had become in those children’s stories. Like Jonah is a flat caricature painted by a heavenly hand to make us feel good about ourselves. Hey, at least I didn’t have to be swallowed by a big fish to listen to God. At least I wouldn’t defy God like that.

I got emotional because I thought Jonah could have had some reasons for running. That maybe following God’s orders and going to Nineveh was something excruciatingly hard for Jonah, something that felt impossible to do.

And then the therapist in me listened closely and asked a piercing question: “Hmmm….interesting. What are your Ninevehs?”

Hmmm is right.

I pondered my own Ninevehs and the Ninevehs of those I’ve counseled. I thought about the pattern of fleeing, obeying and resisting God found in Jonah—and found in me. I considered the things in life that would make me want to lob a fat N-O in God’s face, modern-Day Ninevehs like:

Living joyfully in difficult relationships.

Struggling through a hard marriage (or waiting on a good one).

Fighting with addictions.

Battling fear.

Making peace with the past. Wrestling with unforgiveness. Learning to wait. Embracing uncertainity. Raising difficult children. Choosing to care for aging parents. Going back to work when you want to stay home. Having children. Not having children. And the list goes on….

Holy Spirit calling: Jonah is me.

Jonah is you, too, if you’ve ever wanted space from God. If you’ve ever escaped from Him in heart or in action. Jonah is you if you’ve ever wondered how or why God would talk to you—and if you would obey. I know one thing: Jonah’s not a platitude to mount on a cross-stitch and hang in the bathroom. It’s raw, real life. It’s one of the many things I love about God--the way He enters our disheveled reality. The way He knows our crazy souls. And the way He shows us His soul for us, and for all his creation.

If you can relate, take heart, and take another look at Jonah. You might just find a friend.

Nicole Unice is a counselor and blogger working in family ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA. Her six-week guided study of Jonah, The Divine Pursuit, is available as a printed version or free download on her website. An online community using The Divine Pursuit begins 9/15.

College and Pregnancy

I found out that I was pregnant on May 24. Since then I have learned about "morning" sickness (which should more appropriately be called "all day and especially at night" sickness), prenatal vitamins, never-ending hunger, and peeing every 45 minutes. My life changed the minute two lines showed up on that stick, but I have not been as acutely aware of how much it has changed until I stepped back onto campus with thousands of college students.

For example, yesterday I stood in line behind a guy who buying 5 microwavable meals from the convenience store in the commons. His dinners were set for the week! Behind me there was another guy hitting on some girl that he probably met over the weekend. Meanwhile, I was buying a Cliff bar so that I could get through class without passing out from hunger.

My classmates don't know what to do with me. They look at my belly, then to my face and then back to my belly. I can see the questions spinning in their heads and I almost want to say, "yes, I am pregnant...and yes I was already married when I became pregnant...and no this is not a surprise to me." Yesterday, BJ came to see me for a little bit. Then the scene went a little more like this...look at me and whisper to the person next them, "I think that girl is pregnant"...then look at BJ, "yeah, and HE did it to her."

The biggest change is that being back at school reminds me that my life really isn't about me anymore. I had already learned some of that lesson when BJ and I got married, but I'm learning it in a completely new way now. We both are. I am reminded of it when I wake up in the middle of the night, sick from hunger and have to find food. BJ is reminded of it when I feel too gross to get out of bed and he has to go downstairs to get the food. I am reminded of it when I walk down a crowded stairwell with one hand on the railing and the other on my belly to guard against flying freshmen...or when I apologize to my professor for how often I leave class to go to the bathroom. We are both reminded of it when we walk through campus and talk about birthing classes and cribs. Over and over again I am reminded at how our lives have changed forever, and I love it.